Sea Piglet

i went to a party on friday night. the guy that i had a thing for but new i shouldn't was there (the one who's basically an alcoholic, flaky, etc.). we didn't talk to each other the whole night... i was kind of avoiding him, frankly. then i go to leave and i say "bye". he does this weird thing where he grabs my hand and kisses me on the cheek... and i felt like he was watching me to see how i would react.
and i realized, all at once, that he's the kind of person who likes to mess with people. no wonder i thought he was into me, he did it on purpose to mess with me. i bet he knew he could get away with it because i am naive and young. but i ain't that naive.

so what did i do? i didn't react. and at that moment, i was over it.

:D

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
i saw the biggest meteor i've ever seen yesterday night!! whilst on top of a foothill which is 5 BLOCKS FROM MY HOUSE. i went with my new friend and we climbed up on top of a foothill with boise below us... twinkling all around. then above us were the stars. i am constantly amazed by the stars. the sky is BIG, and it's the only time you'll ever be able to look back in time... that i'm aware of... some of those stars are dead already! but they're so far away it takes that long for the light to get here! that is fucking insane. what's even more insane is these foothills are literally a 30 minute walk from my house, and it's only 30 minutes because it involves some climbing. as soon as you leave the city the true terrain reveals itself; the trees disappear and the foothills roll on into infinity. the scene looked stereotypically biblical last night, with the foothills stretching away like the desert they are and the stars above... my brain wanted to believe it was a movie set. because how can this kind of landscape exist?? i had literally never seen anything like it.
alas, i had to go to bed early-ish because of work in the morning, but we would freak out every time we saw a meteor. we screamed and flailed our arms around. and that first one... it streaked across the sky like a flare, and it was HUGE. how can things like that even exist?? sometimes i am absolutely overwhelmed by how amazing and wonderful the natural world is.
i have heard some people complain that when they learn about something scientifically it takes away from a natural wonder... but since i have fallen in love with physical geography, nature is even more fascinating. now every time i fly in a plane i can look down at the landscape and SEE what i've learned.... like flying over a mountain and seeing a rainshadow desert. or flying over the desert and seeing dried-up riverbeds and meandering streams. or looking at aerial photos and being able to explain why polluted water looks the way it does.
or seeing snow in the foothills... MY foothills... i LIVE HERE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

one of my roommates moved out yesterday. she and her friend are going on adventures down in central america. it's pretty awesome...
but i definitely realized that that's been hanging over my head. i fucking hate saying good bye to people, even if i don't know them particularly well (i didn't know her that well. we got along just fine but she'd already made the decision to move pretty much when i moved in... so she was already in that mindset). it's just weird to think... i will most likely never see this person again. her boyfriend is leaving, too, and i highly doubt i'll ever see him again. it is so weird....
but i feel a sense of relief. because the good-bye is over and i can get on with my life psycologically.
i had a meeting this morning and the lady i met with agreed (offered!) to help me plan something. and i really felt like i'm DOING stuff... and that i like being the person to START and SET UP things rather than continue them. i never thought i was that kind of personality... but i'm planning events, recruiting volunteers, etc. who knew? it's so cool to be in this position and be relateable and accessible. even in the non-profit world you have to deal with shitty beaurocracy sometimes... and i have made a real effort to get back to people soon, do what i say i will, and be excited rather than cold and distant. so far, i feel like people have been pretty relaxed around me... and that's what i want. as far as that meeting goes, it's going to be very chill. because how many people actually want to sit in a meeting with a strict agenda and hear some shit read off of a list? not most gardeners, i can tell you that. and people are busy, so i want to make sure they know this isn't a waste of their time. because, it isn't! i think i'm really getting shit done. what a comparison to academia.... where i felt like i was swimming in a sea of useless homework and bullshit exams...

i'm going to watch the meteor shower from the foothills tonight. i'm excited as hell :)

also, my boobs are getting bigger... again... i think... and i am not used to them yet. not like they're huge or anything but they're definitely... there now!!

a lot has happened since i last wrote in here... i had one of the best halloweens of my life which involved a burlesque show (pseudo-nudity!  pole-dancing!  belly dancing!) and crazy experimental music with strobe lights, people dancing around in costume, and things getting shot into the audience.  and my friend in a dinosaur costume.  i didn't have a costume... i wore a dress (which is kind of a costume for me these days!) and painted my face like i was dead.  whatever.  i felt really pretty in that dress.
i also went hot-springing for the first time and had a fantastic day doing it.  we even had a spontaneous dance party by the side of the road, while the sun was setting behind a snow-capped mountain peak.  and the bright pink colors in the sky were reflecting in a lake near us.  we were overcome with the beauty of the situation, what else could we do? :)
i'm becoming better friends with a fellow couchsurfer who is amazing.  he is a genuinely nice guy (hard to find...), he's smart, funny, and on top of that i have a lot of respect for him.  i wonder at times if he likes me, and that's why he talks to me so much, but it's hard to tell and frankly, it doesn't matter too much.  he told me i was pretty yesterday and i'm still getting over it.  he is becoming one of my favorite people, and i am honored to know him.
the hot-springing experience was a double whammy, because i really bonded with my friends that day.  two of them were my first friends here and it was just awesome to hang out with them.  then the other chick (finally a female friend!) moved here not that long ago and she's a fellow minnesotan.  we went and saw GI Joe on tuesday and it was fucking hilarious.  it was exactly what i was in the mood for.  they destroyed part of the eiffel tower with nanomites!  and the main villian, a female, was lead by her emotions so it wasn't her fault.  women should just get into the kitchen where they belong, because they'll inevitably be lead by their emotions and destroy the eiffel tower with nanomites.
on the work front, i got a sponsor for a community gardening event in february!!  they're going to host it and donate things for a raffle!!  and it was so... easy... while i sat there like a dorky midwesterner who doesn't like to ask for things, they essentially offered all of this to me.  i feel like this experience was not an accurate representation of the non-profit world.  but i'll take it, eh?

i was talking to this kid on the phone today at work.  he wants to do a food drive for his eagle scout project, and i would imagine he's probably 13 or 14?
i was able to make him feel at ease and be helpful.  i really like being the person who can do that... and as much as i still hate talking on the phone, it was a good feeling :)

erg.... feeling slightly overwhelmed.  i'm not discouraged, though, because generally there is a feeling of being overwhelmed before sudden clarity.  at least, that was the case at school.  if i let it simmer long enough in my brain it usually worked out.  i swear, my brain operates on a different level than i do... it figures things out while i sleep that i didn't know i was thinking about.  but sometimes it screws with me.  like the night before last, for instance, i had a dream that made me grumpy for most of yesterday.  boooooo.
anyway here's what i've got to think about (work related):
-food drives (talking on the phone blows)
-service learning project (that, luckily, is almost finished.  i just need to hammer out the details)
-donations, my budget, and what i'd use it for (i've determined i don't really need a lot of stuff, unless it's to raffle off at events or something... so the money would really be for events?  or getting classes set up?)
-starting a garden committee (eep)
-what will the foodbank be a source of??  we can't set up gardens and tell people what to do.  what incentive is there for people to come here when they want to do gardens?  but we can: be a center for volunteers (somehow volunteers will know to come here for this sort of volunteer work.  the maps will help, i think.) i also like the idea of coordinating with libraries for books and stuff....
-marketing!  how the fuck are people going to know about it unless there's publicity?

in other news i saw an ad about twilight... and it really pissed me off this morning.  fuck twilight.  i am so goddamn sick of fucking edward and fucking bella.  she should just stab him with a stake or whatever so they CAN'T MAKE ANYMORE GODDAMN MOVIES.  and anyway, that guy is just gross!  i hate looking at him!! 
in other other news there's this dude from couchsurfing who is really cool and really nice and i think we're going to be friends.  something has changed, because there used to be a lot of people i wanted to be friends with but it never panned out... and now, i am finally really satisfied by the majority of my social interactions!  and i didn't have to work really hard to make these friends.  i was just myself at a party.
eventually i'm going to stop comparing my life now to what it used to be... but it's still pretty shiny and different at this point.

because i feel like it (and my brain needs a rest from work things), here's a list of pretty people in no particular order (except for beck and donald o'connor... beck is my number 1 and o'connor is 2)

beck <3 <3 <3 <3
donald o'connor (he's funny and he dances!!!)
william elliott whitmore (yes, the banjo helps a LOT)
clive owen
gael garcia bernal
edward norton (for the longest time i didn't think so, but then i watched Fight Club again and was like, wait... take two...)
jonathan safran foer
weasley twins (can't help it...)

SO MUCH BEAUTY... FACE... MELTING...

i had a very good weekend.  we had a wonderful party at our house and i carved a pumpkin!  and talked to a very nice boy for a while.  i want us to be friends...
i also think i might *finally* have a female friend in boise... yay!!!!
and, i am looking forward to thanksgiving.  with my dad.  it's ridiculous to me that we haven't spent a holiday together for so long.  my stepmother wants to learn about vegetarian cooking from me.  that'll be weird... but they're trying.  and while i think they're pretty silly, being a dick won't make things easier for anyone (me especially).  so, i am going to show my stepmother how to cook vegetarian food.
i have been eating more protein, and i have a lot more energy!  yayyyy!
i am also just... generally calmer.  and better.  and less awkward.  and happier.  and not worrying so much that something bad is going to happen...

:)

i also discovered william elliott whitmore.  holy fuck.  i am very attracted to him (the banjo helps... so does his voice... and apparently, the tattoos...?) and his music is phenomenal.  here's my favorite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCW5dy6-eK0

i went to san francisco!  i got back yesterday and was gone for four days.  i hung out with friends there and it was a lovely time.  talking to chris always clears my brain of stupid shit, and reminds me who i am. 
we went all over the city on monday and while it didn't grab me like new york did, i still liked it.  there are some fucking BIG hills with fantastic views, and the ocean is awesome.  i liked the golden gate bridge, too... very big and photogenic.  we ate delicious food in a mediterranean restaurant and split a bottle of wine, then enjoyed the finer things in life in a hookah bar.
and we witnessed some real-life drama. 
two people, a man and a woman presumably on a date, were next to us, drunk, and pretty much all over each other.  whatever, who cares.  i go into the bathroom and the girl of the couple is on her phone.  here's essentially how her end of the conversation went:
"oh hi honey, i didn't hear your message.  i'm just out with the girls tonight.  i'm not sure how much we're going to drink, though, so i'll probably stay overnight at somebody's house.  don't wait up for me, OK?  i love you too.  bye."
if it had been a movie, i would have somehow wrestled the phone from her and fervently exclaimed "SHE'S LYING TO YOU!" into the receiver, thereby saving the day.  i couldn't believe how convincing she sounded... so she could go and get fucked by this guy.  this must happen SOOOO much more than i know. 
my faith in humanity isn't destroyed; i really think it's funny, mostly.  people are dumb.
i am getting over a cold, which is stupid and lame, because we have a pumpkin-carving party at our house on saturday!  but i am finding it difficult to concentrate on work today.  which is unfortunate, because i have been gone for almost a week.

i think i will probably go to graduate school... if the Plan i have now stands, i will: 
1) finish out my year here and kick-ass.  move sometime in september 2010.
2) move somewhere in CA (preferably northern... preferably near some water), get a job, get residency.
3) prepare to go to grad school at UC Davis starting late September 2011, where i'll study about soil degradation in Central Asia after the Aral Sea Disaster under the International Agricultural Development program.  i can learn about soil and have an excuse to become fluent in russian.  and of course, travel!
i never thought i would want to move to california, but i'm discovering that i'm open to living about anywhere these days... and that the program is more important than the location when it comes to graduate school.  i also have to be somewhat practical, which is unfortuante.  as much as i would like to go on another international adventure, i can't possibly afford it with student loans staring me in the face.  so this way, i can go on an international adventure and do something really awesome at the same time: sustainable agriculture.

ugggggh, i feel like a bag of snot.

i have now seen gogol bordello in concert.  it was fucking sweet.  that is all.

i was feeling bad about boys the other day... that's not completely gone, because the truth is i'm not ready to date yet.  i shouldn't have thought i was.  oh well, learn from your mistakes, right?  but it still hurts when you misread a situation...

but the truth is, if i let this one thing get me down, then i'm an idiot.  i live in a situation now where people actually give a shit about me and listen when i am upset.  my roommate gave me a big hug yesterday.  there are people that i like, and people who like me for exactly who i am.  even if sometimes i'm sad about stupid crap.

the other day, i pulled out of the foodbank parking lot and there was SNOW IN THE FOOTHILLS.  i nearly shit myself, i was so excited.  during the summer when it was hot as fuck i was not super thrilled about the weather... but right now it's like a dream.  i went out to visit a community farm yesterday and the weather was PERFECT and i was so happy to be there.  and i started thinking about grad school again...

my job is fucking amazing and i can't believe i'm doing what i'm doing... people are starting to know who i am and what i'm doing.  i'm doing something that NOBODY here has ever done before.  how awesome is that??  when i leave here, my resume is going to be pretty badass.  i am setting up something big and it is up to ME what i want to do with that.  six months ago, i would not have thought i could do this. 
so even if my confidence as far as dating is concerned is pretty low, it's very high in other areas.

i also got an e-mail from the farmer in maine.  there are warm fuzzy moments i need to remember forever... freiburg and maine.  and frankly, i am experiencing warm fuzzy shit every day here.  i am living as i have always wanted to live.

and there was SNOW IN THE FOOTHILLS

jos, i'll write you a letter soon, i promise!!!!!  i have barely had time to think, let alone write a letter.

this article makes me kind of uneasy for a number of reasons. 
first of all, i think the author is blowing this way out of proportion... i grew up with american girl and i don't think they're as evil as she makes them sound.  they're just dolls, for christ's sake, and it's not a "cult".  little girls want them to seem real, hence the stories behind each of the dolls, naming them, accessories, books, etc.  i don't think my childhood was tainted in any way by american girl... i read a few books and i think i had one of the dolls.  but it didn't really affect me in any way.
i also think that little girls aren't going to start hating men if they buy this doll... that's over the top... and i don't think they'll get the message "women are helpless", either.  and when she says the message is "weird and potentially offensive enough to keep Mom running to the Maalox", i don't think it's that offensive... unless you're offended by homelessness, i guess.
but at the same time, it's a little weird that girls are supposed to have their parents spend $100 so they can learn about homelessness.  obviously mattell is trying to market some stuff from this economy, and i do appreciate efforts to teach kids that the world isn't always perfect, but still... it's kind of strange...
i'm really not sure how i feel about this.
i read all of the comments, and i think all of them are negative. 

holy shit guys!!!
i'm going to san francisco in about a month (can't remember if i mentioned that...) and i JUST remembered, i know someone from college who lives in the bay area!!  what excitement!!
in other news, i did decide to move (again... yes... 4th time since may... i think i'm about done...).  and i actually live... with friends now!  who want me there!  what a novel concept!  i hope it works :/
i helped this chick teach kids about gardening yesterday.  it was AWESOME but i feel pretty awkward around kids.  good thing i wasn't in charge of it...
i have extra crepe paper.  new room celebration?

so this morning i went to the doctor once again so they could take out more of my skin... just as a precautionary measure... and this was much more unpleasant than last time.
for whatever reason, the numbing medicine wouldn't work.  so i had to get 4x the dosage of last time for it to have an effect... which meant 4 shots, each followed by a test to see if i felt anything... they weren't in my face, but still.  i felt pretty nautious at one point, and pretty shaky up until lunch time.  but food helped, so i'm mostly ok now.  but i feel creaky.  the Total Stitches Count of Beki is up to 20 now.  do i get man points for that?

what is with my fascination with stitches, anyway... there's something really gross and awesome about knowing that a (small) part of me is held together by thread right now, and that this morning a small part of my leg was sliced open and reassembled again.

i just saw my first praying mantis ever!!!!  it was hangin out by the foodbank door!  i always thought they were poisonous... guess not.
i nearly shit myself when i looked at my garden yesterday.  BEANS EVEYWHERE making the soil full of nitrogen!  there was a lot of raw joy at that moment :)

i had... an interesting weekend.
friday night i went to the Idaho Shakespeare Festival.  it was wonderful... the theatre is outside (it doesn't rain here... so generally, it works out) and is set up like an amphitheatre.  my friend got free tickets for the both of us and we sat on the grass, ate sandwiches, and drank wine.  the play was about a little texas town (not shakespeare related... but they have other plays too), and all the characters were played by 2 guys.  it was hilarious, and there was, of course, cross-dressing involved.  YAAAAAY.  the weather was beautiful, the wine was good, the food was good...
saturday morning i went to a "work group" for the food bank.  this essentially meant that a group came in to sort food (it comes in huge boxes from agencies, i think, and in order to keep track of it they have to sort it into different categories) and then we checked over their work, sealed up the boxes, and stowed them in the warehouse.  it was kind of crazy... fast-paced... i needed some training, but eventually i got the hang of it.  and i felt useful.
saturday night was crazy.  i randomly wrote a message earlier in the week to a dude i met at a potluck weekend before last, because there had been talk of gogol bordello (and he was kind of cute).  he replies, and invites me to a russian/georgian themed cookout on saturday night.  so i made pelmeni and dragged my friend along (the pelmeni took forever to make... i think about 3 hours...).  i talked to people there, ate delicious food, and generally had a good time.  then some of them decided to go out... that dude was going too, and i wasn't super thrilled to go to the bars but decided i wanted to dance (and hang out with that guy some more.  like i said, he's pretty cute). 
the first bar we went to sucked, but the second one had this band playing folksy/country/whatever music for free.  by this point, the dude who had invited me was rather intoxicated, and he got excited by the music.  he essentially grabbed me and we started dancing, including spins around, dips, etc.  i was laughing my ass off the whole time.  i danced with another guy in our group, too.  he was really nice and i hope to see him again. 
by the end of the evening i was getting hit on a lot by the guy who invited me... like, dancing close, hand-holding, arm around me, looks across the room, etc.  i'm not going to take it too seriously because he was definitely kinda drunk, but still, he paid me special attention and i just went with it.  it was nice to have that happen, and dancing like that was fucking awesome.  it was a little funny because he's probably 1 1/2 feet taller than me... all i know is, he's an attractive fellow.  hopefully we'll hang out again at some point.
then yesterday, my housemate's boytoy's parole officer showed up.  eep.  that shook me up a little bit.  if that happens a lot, i'm going to move again.  i already knew that he was on parole, but still... it's a little disconcerting to have that happen...

oh yeah, i'm on the radio.  for being POOR:

http://www.publicbroadcasting.net/idaho/news.newsmain/article/0/0/1554073/Top.Stories/That.Could.Be.Me.Idaho's.New.Poor.-.Part.One

http://voices.idahostatesman.com/2009/09/05/awebb/meet_and_lend_hand_your_local_community_garden_coordinator

:) :) :) :) :)

this weekend was... awesome.  i can't really describe, but i am suddenly FEELING things like i used to.  not going over the deep end... which was a constant theme when i was in high school... but here's an example.
i went to a potluck on friday, another couchsurfing thing, and on the way home the full moon was out and it was shrouded in clouds.  i was listening to music really loudly in the car and i just wanted to SCREAM because i just... FELT everything.  and i was happy!
at the potluck i talked to this guy for a bit.  we shared a love of russian things and looked at a map of kyrgystan and such.  he was fairly drunk by the end of the evening, which was definitely a turn-off, but there's a possibility that we might be going to the same concert.  it was just... nice to know that i could talk casually with a dude like him.  it sounds weird, but it's a huge change from not so long ago.  it means... i'm not socially retarded after all!  then there's this other guy who has suddenly starting calling me "cute".  i don't even know what to do when that happens... i haven't been called cute for a very long time.  it's nice :) 
this probably doesn't make any sense... but essentially, i have realized that maybe i am not some socially retarded, hopelessly awkward chick.  i feel pretty again, like i did in high school.  i feel better, sing better...  i haven't felt pretty for over 2 years.  maybe i do get noticed sometimes.  not only that, but i am just being... myself.  more of myself than i have ever been. 
also, my coworker and i went and hung out in the mountains yesterday.  it was really, really fun.

so two days ago i got a message on my phone from the doctor: "i have the results of your mole biopsy.  call me back to talk about it."  i tried to call yesterday but he wasn't there, so i was freaked out for a few days.  i started going through the worst case scenarios... that i had cancer, blah blah blah... because that's how my brain works.  but it turns out that there were abnormal cells by the mole, but not away from it, cells that could possibly be cancerous someday... so he wants me to go back in in a few weeks, get another incision there for safety's sake, and then get a full skin exam.  i'm ok with it, i'm lucky because i have insurance and i'd rather be careful!  but i am really relieved... i was trying to distract myself from thoughts like that the past few days, because once they start, they just keep going.  i think i will feel better when the skin exam's over... but i haven't noticed anything weird besides that.

if i just had americorps insurance, i think i would be in much worse trouble.  and what if i had no insurance at all??  like, you know, lots and lots of people in this country??  i don't think i would have died from this or anything, but still...

i bought stamps today!!  which means.... i should use them!  if you want a letter, tell me your address and i will write you one.  i promise :)

i got a mole removed for the first time this morning... it was kind of gross and kind of awesome.  i now have 3 bloody stitches in my leg.  it's kind of amazing to me that this morning, i had a mole.. and now, after the doctor sliced it out and sewed me up, i have stitches instead, all in less than an hour.  and i barely felt a thing.
plus, i get to feel pretty badass.